For Crying Out Loud

 

I think if you want to be edgy and counterculture now, just have manners and etiquette. It will blow people away. Sad but true.

 

-Aundrea Love

Vintage Model

CrowdFunding Weddings: A New Trend?

Crowdfunding or Crowdsourcing is a new trend  that people are utilizing to raise money for various causes both public and personal. People set up an account on a crowdfunding website stating what the money is needed for and how much they need. People can donate anywhere from a dollar up to funding the entire project. While fundraising is nothing new, this new trend makes it easier to source funds without going to a bank, having  a non-profit standing, etc. and is especially popular with entrepreneurs with a start-up business venture, independent filmmakers wanting to get their movies and/or documentaries funded, people raising money for someone with a serious illness, I even saw one young woman trying to raise money for her education overseas and the list goes on. However with every new idea, there is room for the possibility of crossing the line over into  the grey area leading to misuse.

A friend shared with me that a couple she knew was crowdfunding  their wedding. The guests have an option of chipping in to help pay for parts of the wedding in lieu of gifts.One option was to pay for several meals, like for 40 dollars you could pay for the meal of seven guests. There were other options available on their wedding webpage. I found  this approach not only  to be inappropriate but downright tacky. Some disagreed with me and felt it was an original idea, but many shared my sentiment on the matter and felt it should not be done.When you have a wedding celebration and you invite people, outside of a gift (which is not obligatory), they should not have to pay for anything! that responsibility falls on those who are hosting  the event.

Returning to American wedding tradition, I decided review who is responsible for the expenses of a wedding, because after all, these things do need to be paid for by someone. I found the following list in Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Eitquette (1957 edition):

EXPENSES OF THE BRIDES PARENTS 

1. Engraved invitations and announcements 

2. The bridal outfit and, though it is no longer expected, the costumes of the 

3. bride's attendants  (if money is no object) 

 4. Bridal photographs 
 
5. The bridal consultant and social secretary, if needed 
6. The bride's trousseau 
7. The household trousseau 
8. All the cost of the reception 
9. Flowers for the reception 

10. Flowers for the bride and her attendants (but see "Groom's Expenses") 
11. Music at the church and at the reception 
12.Sexton's and organist's fee. Choir fee 
13. Carpets, ribbons, awnings, tents anything of the kind often rented for large 

Weddings and Receptions 
14. A limousine for the bride, at least, and other cars for the transportation of 
the bridal party to and from church 

15. A wedding gift of substance, usually silver 

Groom's Expenses 

1. The wedding ring 

2. The marriage license 

3. The bride's flowers (the bridal bouquet if she wears a bridal gown, or a 

4. corsage. Going-away corsage may be the heart of the bridal bouquet, or
supplied separately) 

So according to the above list, the bride's family carried the bulk of the expenses and if it was a huge affair that could mean alot of money. However, today  a lot of people are not adhering to the old  traditions of wedding exprense protocol because many parents simply cannot afford the expense of paying for a wedding so more and more of that responsibility is taken care of by the bride and groom themselves, but that is still not an excuse to expect one's friends and family to foot the bill and if you cannot afford the wedding of your dreams, you can either  pospone your wedding until you can save for the wedding you want or cut expenses. Rent a wedding dress or make your own, forego the entire ceremony and just get married at the justice of the peace or city hall and have a nice lunch at a diner afterwards or cook your own food or have a  potluck at your home or the home of a friend/family member willing to host, have a cake reception where just wedding cake and light refreshments are served, but asking fieinds and family to chip in for anything is a NO-NO. According to weddingcost.com, the average wedding today costs about $25,000, almost 50% of which is spent on the food and the reception. So if you still want to have the whole wedding experience, cut some people from the reception list. Some may be disappointed but to have the event you want, you will have to make sacrifices.

Maura Graber Etiquette Consultant for over 25 years, founder of the RSVP Institute of Etiquette and creator of the blog, Etiquipedia had this to say in regards to her own wedding:

"You are not obliged to invite anyone to anything, you invite how many you can invite and that is it. Many of my husband's employees consider themselves "family" and were mad they were not invited to our wedding.  They said, "But I'm "family"!  We could only invite a certain number of people.   We were getting married in the house and having the reception there. We had to set a number and stick with it.  We let others know we were truly sorry that we could not include them."

 As all inclusive as some bride and grooms may want to be, they will have to stay within their means to make it work and that is all there is to it. I saw one of the crowdfunding websites set up just for engaged couples and they posted several  "success" stories of couples that were able to raise the money they wanted (not needed) for their wedding and/or honeymoon. The amounts ranged from $2,000-$25,000. While they may have been "successful" at raising the funds, they were even more successful at promoting the cause of our "entitlement" oriented culture that says, "If I want it, I should have it, even if I have to get others to pay for it," and that is not a good thing.

I believe the wise thing to do is leave crowdfunding  endeavors to the start-ups and filmmakers and make sure your wedding guests have a good time at your celebration on your dime, not theirs.